Sweet Red Anguish
by Xia Momo Capernicus
Summary: Ever since his mom died, he found a way to deal with the pain. The knife kissing his skin, spilling forth sweet red anguish. selfmutilation suicidal tendancies IchiIshicentral RenRuki discontinued
1. Initial Confrontation

I haven't been able to find a fic like this, so I thought "screw it, I'll just write my own and hopefully it translates fairly well from my mind to paper; ano, a word doc. So please enjoy, and translations shall be located at the bottom A/N.

Chapter 1

The full moon shone brightly and serene over the city of Karakura. The night air was just that temperature where it's perfect to take a walk and breathe deep under a sky studded with jewels. The more romantic citizens were taking advantage of this, strolling contentedly without a care. A few passed in front of the Kurosaki clinic, oblivious to the young teen in the window shooting hate filled glances their way. How dare they enjoy this night, when by all rights it should be raining. A sheer torrential downpour too, the kind that sire's flash floods, and soaked clothing, right down to the under garments.

It's raining here, Ichigo. An earthy voice filled his thoughts. Shut up Zangetsu, he told the voice. He wanted to wallow in self-pity, and self-loathing, and really didn't want to talk to anyone; even the sword his very soul was tied to.

A lone tear leaked out of one eye, to trace a trail down his already damp face. He angrily brushed it aside, but another fell, and soon another endless torrent poured down. Dammit, why can't I stop crying? Why can't I stop thinking of him... and his smile...?

They fell unchecked, a clear portrayal of his inner pain. His arms too, showed signs of his pain, but rain didn't fall from them, rivers flowed, soaking his bed sheets. He'd been forced to, that first time, many years ago, to do his own laundry. After that, he was smart enough to do it in the bathroom. The pristine white porcelain and shiny chrome had been coated in sweet red anguish.

Dimly, he heard a sharp rapping on the door. "Onii-chan, I brought you some dinner." Yuzu said quietly, her voice laced with concern.

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry." he responded in a monotone.

"Are you sure? It's ramen and rice balls, fresh and warm!" she cajoled. "Just a few bites? Come on Onii-chan, you haven't eaten in days." It was true. Ichigo had no appetite what so ever, and he was losing weight rapidly.

"Yes I'm sure Yuzu, please just go away." he heard her hesitate a moment further, then her footsteps receding.

Yuzu was such a good sister, always concerned for his health. He hated making her worry, but he really didn't want to eat.

More knocking; round two. "Oi, Ichi-nii, Tou-san says to get your ass downstairs and eat something." Karin yelled. It was her turn to try to convince him to eat.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "I already told Yuzu, I'm not hungry. And tell Tou-san to take the meal and shove it up HIS ass." he snapped.

A sigh. "You know Ichigo, we're just worried about you, there's no need to get snippy." and she stormed back downstairs. Two down, one to go...

WHAM! Ichigo's bedroom door was blown forcibly off its hinges by his eccentric father slamming into it. He leapt toward his son, fist in front. "ICHIGO, AS YOU'RE FATHER I DEMAND THAT YOU-" thud. Isshin's fist was flicked aside, and another rose up to replace it; his face met Ichigo's fist.

Isshin went reeling backwards. He landed against the wall in some obscene position, and sat up to tell his son off. No sooner had his mouth opened that Ichigo began to let loose. "No Tou-san, shut up! I don't need you running in here, trying to assault me, just so I'll go fucking eat. For the last fucking time, I ain't hungry, I ain't coming downstairs, and I'm fucking getting tired of this!" he stopped to take a breath. "And you know what dad? I hate you! I hate everything about you; just, just stay the fuck out of my life!" Ichigo grabbed hold of his father and pushed him savagely out of his room and into a wall. The angry teen then went to slam the door in his face, and then remembered it had been blasted off. He swiftly lifted it up, and set it back in the doorway, taking care to be loud about it.

Karin looked up the stairs in disbelief. "That's low, even for him. I can't believe he just said all that." she growled in disgust.

Yuzu nodded, tears stinging her eyes. "Tou-san can be insensitive, but that was so mean!" She cried. Both began to grumble about their brother's flaws.

There, now I've managed to alienate all three. He thought dully. My work here is done. Nothing to do but cut and then sleep. Those were the only things that gave him solace anymore, an escape from pain. He could dimly hear voices below, a low murmur of chatter. A lone set of footsteps ascended the stairwell, a new contender to face the beast.

There was a knock, than frantic scrambling to catch the door before it hit the floor. "Ichigo?" a light male voice called. Ichigo's eyes widened and he whirled around to see Ishida standing there, trying quite hard not to drop the door. Ichigo rushed over to assist him. "Arigatou." the Quincy murmured.

They stood there, staring at each other, and awkward silence stretching kilometres between them.


	2. It's just a rumour

**You all have no idea how lucky you are that I am updating this. Why? Well, neither of our new computers have floppy disk drives so I have no way to put the stories that I have typed up on my laptop onto this computer other than a cd which I don't want to use; so I'm forced to retype this whole thing. My Aniki offered to type it up since he's insane-ass fast, but I declined on the pretext that it would be good practice. It will be, but I also don't want him reading this, as laid back as he is about stuff like this.**

**Anyways, figured I should update this. Thanks to CrazyDreamin for reviewing! To my BFF who didn't, here is an ultimatum; if you don't review this one, you will never get to see chapter three, which I already have typed up! Wahhaahahahah….. Yeah, I don't have a life.**

**It's probably a good thing I didn't update sooner because after watching 113+ I realized I had to change some things. Good thing I didn't have the 5 or so chapters I had thought up written out yet… so if you aren't there yet, there might be some major spoilers! **

**For those of you who are, I skewed the timeline a little. After the Bount arc there were a few months where nothing happened (except for the fact that Ichigo and Ishida started going out). Then they have a fight, and the thing with the arrancar+vizard happens. After the incident with the arrancar+vizard, soul society didn't send people after Ichigo to help him, so he's in pretty rough shape mentally.**

**That is all, please enjoy!**

**Chapter nii (two) Tete a tete**

Ichigo felt as though he were breathing through water. His lungs movements were constricted and painful; what was going on? Why did the air feel so tense, as if it itself could break any minute?

"Ichigo…" Ishida said. He looked through his vivid blue eyes, eyes that shone with pity, and compassion. "I- your sisters told me what you said, and how you've been acting. I've talked to people at school; Inoue-san, Sado-kun, Rukia-san, Abarai-kun, even Arisawa-san; they're all worried about you. You're shutting everyone out, lashing out if they get too close; all they want to do is-"

"I don't want to hear about them!" Ichigo fumed. Ishida stared incredulously.

"What are you talking about ichi-"

"I said I don't want to hear about them! They're not the ones who said all those things to me." His voice softened. "Or the one I said all those things to." He turned away to stare out the window. Ishida rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Really Ichigo, you amaze me. When it comes to defeating shinigami, Bount, and hollow you are all over it, no fear at all. But when you have to deal with your emotions, you run like a small child." He gave a small snort of derision. "really." Ichigo pivoted to once again match his gaze to Ishida's.

"If that's all you came here to say, then I ain't gunna listen, I've got better things to do tha-"

"Like sitting here sulking? Ichigo admit it!" the Quincy snapped.

"Admit what?!" he snarled back. Ishida used great restraint to prevent himself from strangling the substitute shinigami.

"Maybe you are just stupid instead of scared." He continued hastily before Ichigo could cut in. "you are totally lost without me; admit it." Ichigo glared defiantly at him.

"You're wrong, I'm just fine." He folded his arms across his chest and stuck his nose in the air, going for the petulant child look.

Ishida sighed. "Yes Ichigo, which totally explains why you have been cooped up in here for the past two weeks brooding.

"Ichigo, it will not kill you. Besides, do you think I have not suffered either?" Ishida added quietly. Ichigo brought his head back down to look at Ishida's pale face.

"You mean, you missed me too? I never considered that…" he commented absently, almost casually, trying to alleviate the awkwardness of the moment.

"Well I did." Ishida said shortly. Ichigo turned back to the window. The silence stretched between them. "So are you going to continue alienating everyone you care about? It's not their fault if we have an argument." No response. He sighed in frustration. "Fine, I tried. If you want to be a hateful, introverted bastard for the rest of your life than fine; it's your life." It cost him so much to say such mean things; in reality all he wanted to do was reach out and hug him tightly, but there would be no convincing the stubborn teen.

He turned to leave. "Don't" a voice begged; it bridged the gaping hole between the two. "Don't go and leave me alone again. I only push you away because I'm afraid of losing those close to me again. I don't want to see you guys get hurt because of me; Urahara-san was right, I am a coward." He sniffed. "Please, it hurts so much to be alone…" Ishida's eyes widened. _Surely he doesn't mean; no Uryuu, you're just paranoid…_

The Quincy stepped forward, and in a few fluid motions had his arms encircling his lover, drawing himself near. "baka." He whispered softly. "You are never alone…" Ichigo's body shook as he finally cried out all the emotions he had been holding in for the last fortnight. And he cried because Ishida didn't know about that thing inside of him. He held on to Ishida as if he were a life preserver, desperately.

It seemed that they hung suspended in time there, for hours it seemed, until no more tears traced rivulets down his cheeks, and he felt terribly drained.

Ishida leaned back, and used one long, slender finger to wipe away the last tear. "You're never alone Ichigo, and none of us will let you push us away so we won't get hurt." He smiled sardonically. "I'm afraid you're stuck with us, whether you like it or not." The last bit sounded like the bossy Ishida he knew, and he smiled despite his previous outpour

"I missed you." He whispered, gazing deeply into the twin pools of blue. Ishida softly brushed his lips against the others, and replied "me too". They remained in each others arms for so long, reveling in each other's touch again, remembering the scent of one another.

Ishida suddenly remembered the task he had been assigned. "Ichigo, can I use your bathroom please?" Ichigo nodded, and with great reluctance untangled himself from Ishida. The young Quincy marched out into the hallway with purpose, then down a ways to the relieving facility. Stepping inside, he flicked the light switch and shut the door lightly behind him. Then he took great care to lock it, jiggling the handle to be sure. Then he promptly kneeled down beside the garbage can and began to sift through its contents.

To anyone watching the scene without knowing the Quincy's motives, they probably would have been questioning his sanity. But Ishida had a very good reason to be looking in his boyfriend's garbage can.

It was just a rumour of course. There was no way it could possibly be true. But the sleepless nights were jeopardizing his position as number one in the class, and he just had to prove them wrong.

Then he saw a streak of red. _It's just a nosebleed, or a cut-_

And upon further inspection, there were huge clumps of toilet paper, soaked and therefore totally stiff with blatant crimson pain. _So they were right; oh Ichigo, how could I have not seen; if only I had done this sooner… maybe you wouldn't have resorted to this. Tch, baka, now I'm crying…_

The drops of salt water found their way out of his stinging eyes, but he swiftly wiped them away.There was no time for crying, even though_; oh Kami Ichigo, you used a razor? How cliché…_he immediately felt thoroughly disgusted with himself for thinking such shallow things. _And here it is, all covered in blood… your blood that you shed yourself._

Then, full of resolve, he slowly rose, razor clasped tightly in one hand. He resolutely stalked back to Ichigo's room, to confront him and discover the truth.

**Gomen nasai! This chapter had so much dialogue in it, I feel so horrible… rest assured however, the next chapter will be full of detail!**

**Kami: god.**

**BTW, if you ever get the chance, go to Bleach portal (it's a site) and download some of the songs they have there. Some of the voice actors actually sang a few songs; there are some done by Ichigo and Ishida.**

**Tehehehe had to sneak that in. What will happen in the next chapter? Will Ichigo spill all his innermost feelings to Ishida? Will Ichigo find a way to break his dangerous habit? Will those idiotic liberals ever leave Stephen Harper alone?**

**Arigatou gosaimasu for reading, please review. **

**Jya ne,**

**Furiidamu.**


	3. Easier to Run

**Sorry for the long wait, I finally got around to typing this up. Please enjoy, I hope it's up to snuff!**

**Disclaimer: yeah, I'm so making money off this rolls eyes kk, obviously I don't own BLEACH. If I was, there would be a lot more yaoi and yuri .**

**Chapter san- Easier to run**

Ishida marched with determination into Ichigo's bedroom. Ichigo immediately knew something was wrong when he heard the Quincy's voice grating tones say "Ichigo, show me your arms." He glanced back to see Ishida standing a metre away, holding the bloody razor. Without hesitation, Ichigo activated his badge and was out the window in less than three seconds, bouncing away over rooftops.

"ICHIGO!" Ishida yelled after him. But he was gone. "Dammit!" he swore, and he raced downstairs, skipping every second one.

Bursting into the kitchen, he panted "please, can I use your phone?" The clinic was closed for the night, so the rest of the family was in there. They stared at him.

"Yeah… it's right here…" Karin said slowly and handed him the phone. He muttered some form of thanks, and dialed with the speed of one who had punched the number so many times, he didn't even have to look.

"ringringringringringring phone call phone call ring-"

"Hello, you've reached the Urahara shop. How may I help you today?" a smooth business tone said.

Ishida spoke quickly. "Urahara-san?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

He cut to the chase. "It's Ishida; you've gotta send someone after Ichigo!" the sisters looked at each other in worry, and Isshin's face became impassive.

"Oh really what's he gotten himself into this time?" although his voice was still pleasant, the retired Shinigami was poised to act.

"He-"Ishida stopped short of saying something incriminating within earshot of his family. "I- found something and confronted him about it, and he left; it's imperative that we send someone after him!"

"Is Isshin there?" Urahara asked.

"Wh- oh Ichigo's Otou-san, yes." He was bewildered. Why did Urahara-san want to know that?

"Could you please put him on the phone?" Ishida gave the phone an odd look, than held it out for Isshin. Isshin looked surprised, but took it. All traces of emotion were wiped off his face when he heard who it was.

"Who-? Oh it's you, what's up? Oh… oh I see… alright I'll go after him… no it's ok, my son, my responsibility… yes I know I've been avoiding it… I know I'm a horrible person… no really… KISUKE shut it already! Yes I did… it was so justified! Was. Was. Was. WAS. Yes it wa-"

"Are you going after him or what!?" Ishida snapped indignantly. "He could be dead or worse, and all you care about is some childish argument!!!!!" His inner "must be polite" boy cringed, but for the most part all he cared about was making sure his boyfriend was safe.

Isshin raised his eyebrows, but said his goodbyes. "Alright- Ishida right? I think it might be good idea if you clue my daughters in on everything." Karin's eyes narrowed; she suspected the topic. Yuzu had no idea what was being said, and was watching the scene with big eyes.

"About what precisely?" Ishida asked levelly.

"About the Shinigami, Hollow, Quincy-" he winked, "and Bount."

Ishida wasn't surprised. He had already surmised that since Ichigo's Okaa-san couldn't possibly have been a Shinigami, that only left one person. "I'm not surprised. Given the evidence, it was an obvious conclusion." He pushed up his glasses. "Well, for someone intelligent…"

Isshin grinned. "Which Ichigo is not. He's not stupid, but not smart either. Speaking of which, I need to go get him." He pulled from the inside pocked of his coat a black glove, like one a skater would wear. It had a skull with blue flames on, and he used it to pop out of his body.

Yuzu screamed as his body fell to the floor. She was now seeing double of her Otou-san. Karin's eyes went wide, but, having seen it once before, she wasn't as shocked.

Isshin gave her a reassuring smile, and left; not running, but hurrying all the same.

Ishida sighed. "It started with a Shinigami named Kuchiki Rukia…"

)&($#&()&(&$$#

It's so much easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

_I knew he would find out eventually. He's so good at figuring things out, which was why he was so useful in the maze. Dammit, why did I run, that made it ten times worse. Kauauakusuaksukauskauskskauskakuskauskkauskauksukakasuaksukauskauksa……… whatever, it's too late now, I can't stop and face them._

_Ojii-san, Karin, Yuzu, Renji, Rukia, sandal-hat, Yuruichi, Chad, Inoue-san, Tatsuki, Uryuu-koi…_

The last name made his eyes sting like mad. The vision of the clear hurt, betrayal and worst of all pity kept running through his mind. Why did he have to look at him like that, like he could see right through his mask.

Something has been taken

From deep inside of me

Secrets I've kept locked away 

No one can ever see

Wounds so deep they never show

They never go away

Like moving pictures in my head

For years and years they've played

The mask; the one that set him apart from his friends, and everyone else. A Vizard, a true outcast with nowhere to go. No matter how many times his friends pulled him up when he was down (beat him up more like) or told him not to apologize when he failed them, he still knew they would eventually leave him. He was truly alone in the world.

His wounds would never heal, like the wounds from when his Okaa-san had died hadn't. Everyone had just assumed he moved on, but he hadn't; there was no closure, and until he killed that hollow there never would be.

If I could change I would

Take back the pain I would

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would

If I could

Stand up and take the blame I would

I would take all the shame to the grave I 

Would

He wanted to change so badly, but it was too late forever for change. It was his fate to be depressed and alone, nothing would change that. And he would never be able to take it all back and start over, just a play of endless reels of his memories forever in his tortured mind.

It's so much easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember

The darkness of my past

Bringing back these memories 

I wish I didn't have

Sometimes I think of letting go 

And never looking back

And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

_Maybe if I stop somehow, it will all end._

If I could change I would

Take back the pain I would

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would

If I could

Stand up and take the blame I would

I would take all the shame to the grave I 

Would

_Dammit, now I'm thinking of suicide!?_

Just washing it aside

All of the helplessness inside

Pretending I don't feel a thing

It's so much simpler than change

_It's so much easier than change.. It won't hurt just a release. It's an inviting prospect…_

It's so much easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

_I'm all alone…_

"Well well well, look what we have here!" his heart skipped a beat. Ichigo skidded to a halt, only a few metres away stood two faces he hoped he'd never see again.

The girl spoke again. "So, have you changed your mind? It doesn't matter; if not, we'll drag you!" she unsheathed her Zanpaku-to and rushed him.

(($&$#(&$#$!!#&$()&$#$&(

**Hate me for the cliffy. This chapter was hard to write, I had to go into so much detail with Ichigo… and my wrist is killing me, y'all better come through in spades for this!**

**Otou-san: father**

**Ojii-san: old man**

**Okaa-san: mother**

**body: since he used to be a shinigami, wouldn't it be a gigai…?**

**ring…: oh yeah, I so went there. Anyone get it?**

**san: three.**

**Easier to run: a song done by Linkin Park.**

**Any futher questions, don't hesitate to ask!**

**LITS, I still haven't done that English homework T.T Or the science homework, or the math homework, and thankfully health and gym don't have homework.**

**Jya ne,**

**Furiidamu.**


End file.
